28 Jun When The Zone Becomes A Hostile Place
By nature, i’m all or nothing.
I’ve never been any different.
Sometimes this is a good thing, like when I get an idea in my head for new business or for new hobbies for the girls I go full throttle.
Unfortunately I’ve found myself doing this with my diet and exercise.
I hit the healthy and slim mark and kind of went beyond it. I was looking through my Disney photos the other day and was pretty grossed out by how gaunt and old looking i have become and I know I need to do something about it. I have a Dierdre Rachid neck (God rest her soul) and a mouth of gnashers like Janet Street Porter because I’ve become too thin.
It’s the control element for me that I get the thrill from.
It took an open chat with my two mums on Saturday to face that my eating habits have become problematic. In the previous couple of months in which I have had a lifestyle overhaul, and a turbulent one at that, I had found comfort in controlling the only thing that I could. If I could stick to those same 3 meals a day, the same foods, all will be well in the world.
I hadn’t really factored in that i’m still breastfeeding too and exercising regularly so the balance has tipped.
It’s only recently that I realised that this no longer felt good. My Mother In Law wanted to treat us all to a takeaway tea for my husband’s birthday causing me to literally freak out about how to get out of it all afternoon. Wanting to participate but not feeling able to. In the end I just opted out for my usual tea of chicken stirfry after hours of hand wringing.
In fact, this picture Neil took of me in Paris, agonising over a menu for something I could eat, upset me.
The control is taking the fun and spontaneity out of life. I almost had a heart attack when offered a free fat free fro-yo in town and this behaviour isn’t healthy for my children to see.
I need them to know that everything is fine in moderation and that a bowl or cereal and a stirfry a day is NOT healthy or balanced.
I don’t snack and since working half days I have been skipping lunch altogether. I haven’t had a period in almost two years and I no longer feel like a woman. I feel curve less in my clothes and my arse has disappeared
Changes are going to be made. They have to.
I’m starting an eating & exercise plan that will increase my calorie intake and help me to become strong rather than skinny. There’s nothing wrong with being this build it’s just that i’m not meant to be this way.
I thought size ten would feel tremendous, but it doesn’t. It feels tired, old, wrinkly & unattractive.
I feel better for having said it out loud. For months now my mums had voiced their concerns but strange though it may seem, this used to really delight me – that changes could be seen.
The thing is though, kids are impressionable – especially Niamh – and I don’t want my attitude to food to impact her – it’s bad enough that she has inherited my quirks and mental health issues!
There……I’ve said it.
Now to put things right.