Confessions

I’ve just been having a little FB chat with a friend about how posting things makes you accountable.

You write them, then they’re out there and you have to act on them.

It’s not the most positive blog I will ever write but you can click on the post or scroll by, looking for more upbeat offerings…..

A good few months ago I wrote a blog about how the ‘Zone’ had become a hostile place for me.

(You can read this HERE)

I had lost a lot of weight and become very controlling over what I eat.

This lead to me looking pretty unhealthy and it just sucked the enjoyment out of my life.

Eating out had always been a joy and as a result, I’d taken that pleasure away from myself.

I had started to panic about social eating and our holiday to Disneyland was not enjoyable in the slightest.

We were surrounded by fast food and there were literally no, what I consider,  ‘safe options’.

Well, I have to hold my little bony hands up, I didn’t really improve all that much on that way of living.

I did to one extent because I started a gym challenge and I was now at least eating the right foods.

I wasn’t looking for low fat options and was having porridge, turkey mince, stir fry etc but all too soon my control of this took over and I was eating three very protein rich foods every single day.

This teamed with a very busy schedule – both life and exercise and a new running regime, I ended up very poorly.

I had been taking ibuprofen for a bad case of veruccas and this (plus perhaps the protein overload) had all worn away my stomach lining.

A tooth extraction done a little later wouldn’t heal due to my very low immunity and I have to say this past month or two has been a very dark time in my life.

It has lead to me becoming very depressed again, for the first time in a long time.

Not just sad. Hopeless. Like i’ve lost all control and that someone is missing a dreadful diagnosis with my health.

I thought I’d locked away the black dog but it turns out the little bugger had his own key all along.

I’ve been unable to look after myself or my marriage.

I became so focussed on pain that I couldn’t see past it or remember my life without it.

Friendships have fallen by the wayside. I have probably done too many posts of this ilk and not enough joviality.

I’ve become very insular.

I stand like an old lady.

My skin looks terrible.

My hair is even worse.

I have an eating disorder.

Not one categorised by a ‘ia’ suffix though.

 

Now I have had to limit my diet further due to my gastric issues so I’m going to have to make friends with my body again and find out what pleases it.

My porridge diet has dropped my weight a further 6lb and I look horrendous for it.

What will fuel my body well that I can swallow without feeling like it is clawing its way out.

So i’m sorry for the maudling, probably seemingly attention seeking very personal blog but this is me.

I’m not just This Mum Business – i’m Jodie.

I’m suffering at the moment and for all I can write these things with ease, I can’t talk about them.

This is my outlet and I needed to document that this is me right now – at this moment in time.

I will look back in 6 months and compare with joy the difference a few chips made to my life but for now i’m holding up my hands and saying i’ve gone too far.

JD xx

 

 

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27 Comments
  • Katy Sharkey
    Posted at 12:17h, 24 April Reply

    Lots of love Jodie and very brave of you.
    I understand your battle with your body. I think we can have quite distorted views on how we actually look.
    I would kill to look how I did pre chemo, I’m a stone heavier now and my hair is wild; yet the irony is, I thought I looked dreadful then too. We can’t win!
    Any time you want to indulge in a cake, just text 😂 xxx

    • Jodie Danner
      Posted at 18:26h, 24 April Reply

      Thanks Katy. My worries seem silly compared to what you have been through and that perspective should really work on me. We can’t win you’re right xxx

    • Katy Sharkey
      Posted at 18:38h, 24 April Reply

      Don’t be silly!!! You can’t compare stuff like that.
      I do understand the control and obsession. I just think we are really hard on ourselves. Xx

  • Becca Louise Jones
    Posted at 12:37h, 24 April Reply

    I’ve been here, lost so much weight that i looked ill, and i’ve piled on so much weight that I was clinically obese. The constant need for control, then relinquishing it and going in the complete opposite direction is a cycle i’ve been most of my adult life. I think i’m mostly out of it now but I know it’ll only take one more bad experience or unfortunate event and I could be right back down there again. I don’t think it’s ever something you can be completely free from. But the fact you can write so openly about it is really inspiring, I struggle to talk to people about the goings on in my head, but on here I can be really honest about it, its weird. Even though its on the internet for all to see it feels a bit removed from ‘me’ so I can completely relate. I hope you get through this horrid time soon and thankyou for writing this post, it’s good to know we’re not alone in this. If you ever need a fellow fruitcake to talk to then im here! Xx

    • Jodie Danner
      Posted at 18:28h, 24 April Reply

      Thanks for taking the time to comment Becca. I always feel like such an attention hoover when I write about things like this but I’m not looking to be told how great I am. I just need acknowledgement that this is how I am and it’s ok. It doesn’t make me less of a mum or a wife or a person. I open up really to so few people in actual real life. It’s like a release to say it. Like I’ve passsed it on and got rid? Xxxx

    • Becca Louise Jones
      Posted at 18:39h, 24 April Reply

      I know exactly what you mean, i do the same thing all the time. And like you say its not about getting attention, its about feeling that its ok to feel like this. And for me, its how i tell the people around me how i feel without actually having to talk about it. You’re doing great hun, keep the blogs coming! Xxx

  • Janey Jane
    Posted at 12:42h, 24 April Reply

    Know Just how u feel Jodie, though the opposite with me. Been so stressed lately with house move traumas, money, juggling Zach therapies, issues with Izz that I’ve been eating like a horse. I’m not massive but I’m ten pounds heavier than I was and you can tell. Feel v uncomfy . I’m so unhealthy. My diet is shocking. The other day I drank six cups of coffee, ate three Easter eggs, four bags of crisps some flumps and a massivebacon butty! Literally haven’t even the energy to get to a gym induction cba…Feel tired, achy, ill,hair is dry and dull no energy. I don’t know where I’ve gone at times…I’m a regular mum, an autism mum, a fixer of problems a wife albeit not a great one at mo, no idea where I am in all of this eek😂 😱Nothing wrong with a vent good to get it all out x

    • Jodie Danner
      Posted at 18:33h, 24 April Reply

      Food can be such an emotional tool Janey. It gives us control over how we feel, good and bad. It does start to show in your health when you’re not eating right. Everyone needs a good vent. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. I just prefer to write xx

    • Janey Jane
      Posted at 18:43h, 24 April Reply

      Most defo xx you are what you eat and all that. At the minute I’m an Easter egg lol. Hope you feel better soon x

  • Joan Danner
    Posted at 12:46h, 24 April Reply

    Those pesky verrucas started it off, if only you knew to just cover them with duct tape and they would go. Ibuprofen has led to your gastric problems and once they’re fixed and diet adjusted to accommodate I’m sure you will feel much better. Onward and upward ❤️ xxx

    • Jodie Danner
      Posted at 18:34h, 24 April Reply

      You’re right I’m sure. It’s all about learning to live with it as best I can now xxx

    • Joan Danner
      Posted at 18:36h, 24 April Reply

      Hope your appointment with the consultant tomorrow is positive xxx

    • Jodie Danner
      Posted at 18:46h, 24 April Reply

      They may locate my brain! Xx

    • Joan Danner
      Posted at 18:55h, 24 April Reply

      Don’t think he’ll inspect that high up haha xxx

  • Janette N Chris
    Posted at 13:41h, 24 April Reply

    Jodie you are a fighter and you will once again chain up that black dog. Your husband children family friends love you and are there for you xx

    • Jodie Danner
      Posted at 18:35h, 24 April Reply

      Thanks Janette I’m sure I will. The one time I had it and tried to do it alone I ended up quite bad so I find writing it down helps xx

  • Emma
    Posted at 14:40h, 24 April Reply

    I love you jodie. You are so brave admitting and talking about your struggles. You can beat this, you can get better. We are all here to help you. Your children NEED you to be well, we need you to be well, and you need you to be well. I’m here. Any time (apart from now, now I’m in Cyprus!) big hugs xxxxxx

  • Emma Louise Glover
    Posted at 17:53h, 24 April Reply

    Oh Jodie Danner 😢 I have such huge respect for you for taking the time to write his down because you know what sometimes that’s the hardest part. I went through a terrible stage where all I did was obsess about food, but because I wasn’t skinny no one took any notice, I couldn’t be classed as having an eating disorder because for all intents purposes I was fat, not skinny, how can a fat girl have a eating disorder, but I did. It’s a constant battle with myself, I decided to step away from obsessing and gained a stone which then made me feel even worse, so I’m back to trying to watch what I eat. It’s such a horrendous vicious circle and the black dog often visits so I completely sympathise. But you will get through this I have faith, your blogs and posts make me smile so I’m sure they’ll make you start smiling again soon xxxx

    • Jodie Danner
      Posted at 18:44h, 24 April Reply

      Thanks so much Emma xx it’s the control element of food that appeals to me and how good I feel resisting bad foods. I thrive off it but have no balance. I work in a place that sells the most delicious cakes and I have never tried one…ever! Not a scrap of chocolate this Easter and never a dessert in a restaurant. I thought of booking a little afternoon tea for Esmé’s second birthday but just couldn’t because it would highlight that I wasn’t eating anything. That’s no life xxx

  • Susan Newbould
    Posted at 18:32h, 24 April Reply

    I know how u feel Jodie Danner and u can defo suffer an eating disorder that isnt categorised like anorexia and bulimia. I hope you feel better very soon x

    • Jodie Danner
      Posted at 18:45h, 24 April Reply

      Really Susan? It probably does tie into when you’ve lost a lot of weight and are terrified of putting it back on too xx

    • Susan Newbould
      Posted at 18:50h, 24 April Reply

      Yep i obsess over every single gram of protein fat and carb i eat. Its not fun anymore . All i see is a fat person in the mirror. No matter what weight i get to x very brave of u to speak out x

  • Jo White
    Posted at 22:22h, 24 April Reply

    Jodie… I wanted to just send you a big hug and say how brave you are for being so so honest.

    If you ever need to chat, I am always willing to listen.
    Xxxx💜

  • Cath Jones
    Posted at 22:36h, 24 April Reply

    Sending you huge hugs Jodie 😘 Without wanting to sound crass – we need lunch soon, it’s way overdue xxx

  • Mike Turner
    Posted at 23:19h, 24 April Reply

    Everything in moderation, even dieting. It’s easy to get compulsive about many things but realising and admitting it’s becoming a problem is the first step to resolution. X

    • This Mum Business
      Posted at 06:23h, 25 April Reply

      Absolutely Mike, I completely agree. Now if I could just get obsessive over housework…….xx

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