19 May Some Difficult Decisions & Being ‘Just’ Mum…
I made it.
When I say I made it I don’t mean that the anxiety just disappeared.
It’s still there, but under the surface of the calmer tide.
If I were to push my foot down further I know I would get carried away in the frantic current again, and the battle for normality would restart so I’m tentatively treading water for now.
I self referred myself for assessment over a week ago.
They saw me the very next day.
Ben spent an hour with me talking through everything. How the attacks started. How they felt.
He assured me that I wasn’t going mad as people that are wouldn’t give a toss that they were not would they be aware of such.
He concluded that I was suffering from severe anxiety and that it was probably a result of leading a chaotic lifestyle up to this point.
Making myself dizzy focussing on twenty different tasks at any one time and putting tremendous pressure on myself to try to perfect each one.
All that had happened was that my mind had said “sod this!” and tried to remove me from my situation.
The detachment was self preservation.
“You need to take life back to basics”.
I’ve sat and assessed what I need to be and do in life.
I need to be a good mum.
I need to work.
I need to be healthy.
This is what I have decided to do.
The relief is immense.
I was so preoccupied with trying to prove my worth as an intelligent woman since dropping the business that I lost sight of why it all mattered initially.
I loved being in school with my class but squeezing in the mornings before a hectic shift at work was having an adverse affect on my wellbeing.
The frantic essay writing at 4.30am on a Wednesday morning was taking its toll.
How many of us mums do this though?
Shoe horn activities into our spare time until life’s belt starts to strain?
After my dark cloud week I’m starting to try appreciate the beauty in the little things.
The car journey on the way to nursery.
Giggles at bath time.
Fun at work with my friends.
Exercise for enjoyment.
I did a yoga class last night and really enjoyed it.
I have no doubt I will feel even better soon.
I also have no doubt that this won’t be the last time that I will suffer from these attacks.
This is the roller coaster of the mentally fragile.
Knowing there’s an ‘up’ on the horizon can make all the difference.
I’m determined to be at the start line of the Great Manchester Tun next Sunday no matter what my meddlesome mind tries to do.
Thanks for letting me share this period of my left, grim though it was.
Having a record of bouncing back from rock bottom can only be a good thing to have.