09 May Facing up to the life thief and taking one day at a time…..
My view from the eye of the cyclone is pretty bleak right now.
Since last Thursday I’ve started every morning with blind panic, clammy sweats that pulsate through my whole body.
Terrified of doing the every day things that others, myself included for such a long time, took for granted.
Taking the children in the morning is now heart attack inducing and going into the kitchen to make a drink makes my heart race.
I’m scared to be alone with my terrors and can’t bear to be in a different room to people.
I have a depersonalisation disorder which causes my mind to feel like I’ve woke up from a heavy sleep.
I feel detached from the world around me.
It’s my bodies fight or flight mechanism whether it’s welcome or not.
It’s most definitely not welcome right now.
I’m waking every morning with an exhausting fight to try to claw my way back into the present, the dreamlike state causing me to panic from my waking moment till when I close my eyes at night.
It has taken almost everything from me in the space of less than a week.
My placement that I love.
I’m taking anti-anxiety medication and beta-blockers to combat the physical aspects of it in the hope that it will become manageable and I can try to claw some of my life back.
I’m fighting to maintain some normality for my girls as they shouldn’t have any of their lives taken away by this.
I should have recognised the indicators of its return but as a mum we tend to just put most things down to exhaustion or just….life.
I’m taking life back to basics to get through it, committing only to parenthood.
The rest will keep.