One Mum’s Malfunctioning Mind…

I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again – I hate writing blogs that are neither entertaining nor humorous.

I prefer to be that little light-hearted beacon in the stormy serious sea of motherhood that pokes fun at parenting and marriage.

The thing is though, my blog is a personal one. One that I always wanted to be able to channel myself through.

Am I an over sharer?

Perhaps – by some people’s standards.

The things I say here though, I rarely talk about it real life.

You would think that you would bump into me in real life and i’d be telling you all about that morning’s bowel movement but i’m very socially awkward away from the keyboard.

I watched Mind Over Marathon last week and it really touched a nerve with me.

Talking is important – so important.

I’m here to say I’m broken.

Not just slightly like I was a few weeks back but actually in need of repair.

Back when I was six years old I had my first panic attack.

I was in Kwik Save with my Grandad and all of a sudden I didn’t feel like I was there.

I felt detached.

Like I was watching the world through a window.

The panic was horrible.

I wanted to get back to being where I was but I couldn’t.

Nor could I explain it.

This happened many, many times throughout my adolescence, with me eventually being referred to CAHMS.

My parents were at a loss of how to help me as they had no idea why this happened.

I was missing lessons because I couldn’t face them and needed to find an escape route wherever I went.

The child psychologist I saw called it depersonalisation and derealisation and explained it’s the bodies way of removing you from an unwanted situation, by detaching you.

I hated it.

I couldn’t see an end to it.

They tried citilopram which just left me tired and with awful nightmares.

Counselling, which was emotionally draining.

I had planned to take some tablets and set the date in my mind but when the time came I couldn’t do it.

I didn’t want to die, I just wanted to feel what it was to live again.

Unafraid.

With time, the episodes were fewer and far between and only making rare comebacks in my life.

The last time was after having Niamh, when I had PND and PTSD and it took a long time to shake.

Throughout our experience with Esme, they didn’t dare return – I was too focussed on keeping going that my mind had no room for their nonsense.

Sadly it has come back.

It saw an opening after my health finally started to improve.

There was a nice patch of happy forming that looked good for the taking and I woke up last week in a blind panic.

Afraid to take the baby to nursery.

Afraid to go to work.

Afraid to go to my school placement.

Afraid to think about my upcoming holiday.

Afraid to think about getting up in the morning.

Noise troubles me.

The TV seems too loud.

I can’t bear to be in a different room to everyone else.

I started to take Sertraline again and I’m waiting patiently for the benefit.

I’m only feeling the hazy pharmaceutical fog at the moment, interspersed by uncontrollable yawning.

When I’m able to think clearly, I know that it is anxiety and that I have a 100% success rate of getting through these times but when you’re in the dark centre of the cyclone you can’t see outside of it.

I’m working hard to cover the physical manifestations of this for the sake of the kids.

The unwashed hair, the slumped stance.

They won’t suffer because I am.

They will get to where they need to be, present and correct – clean and fed.

It’s in those quiet times when they sleep that I let myself get consumed by it.

Convinced i’m dying.

In the waking hours, I will greet you with a smile and a ‘how is your day going?’ when you come to my work place.

I will smile broadly at the teacher as I collect Niamh from school, trying to appear like I have it together.

I don’t.

But I will.

JD xx

Enjoy the post? Read more :

29 Comments
  • Michelle Banks
    Posted at 18:52h, 06 May Reply

    This really upset me to read I hope you are ok you write beautifully even a subject so personal as this you open your heart and your true self pours out it takes a special confidence to do that never forget how talented you are 💕

  • Sonya Moss
    Posted at 19:11h, 06 May Reply

    Only time will tell how you will deal with this. As you say you’ve dealt with it b4 and climb to the top of the pit. You will get there. Keep yr chin up x

    • Jodie Danner
      Posted at 19:16h, 06 May Reply

      Thanks Sonya xxxx

    • Sonya Moss
      Posted at 19:19h, 06 May Reply

      You’ve got yr gorgeous family to pull u through the other side. Not forgetting olaf and yr batty dad x x

    • Jodie Danner
      Posted at 19:22h, 06 May Reply

      God help me 😫☺️☺️ xx

  • Susan Newbould
    Posted at 19:47h, 06 May Reply

    😘😘😘

  • Jane Cubbin
    Posted at 20:01h, 06 May Reply

    Sending so much love and so glad you can open up… that’s important xxx you will get through this lovely lady …. it’s a tough road but ultimately you will be tougher xxx

    • Jodie Danner
      Posted at 20:03h, 06 May Reply

      Thanks Jane, probably seems self indulgent to some but I just desperately want to feel like me again….and I will. I always do xxx

    • Jane Cubbin
      Posted at 20:05h, 06 May Reply

      It’s not self indulgent at all and I for one am glad you can put it in words xx that’s therapy in itself and as well you may help others realise how they are feeling and get help too xxx

  • Jane Cubbin
    Posted at 20:04h, 06 May Reply

    My dad sent me this a while ago because he thought its how I was feeling and I think it’s you too xxx much love xxx

  • Joan Danner
    Posted at 20:19h, 06 May Reply

    You’re doing all the right things to help yourself get better. Once the gastritis is fixed you will feel like yourself again 👍 xxx

  • Hannah Jones
    Posted at 20:29h, 06 May Reply

    😘 xxx

  • Zoe Hemsley
    Posted at 20:30h, 06 May Reply

    You are not alone. Here if you need anything, we can have a moan about broken bodies together 😘

  • Lucy Heath
    Posted at 20:35h, 06 May Reply

    I feel for you Jodie, Im in the process of having my meds changed to try and sort me out…. You are so brave and talented….. It is so important to be able to get this out in the open. Much love and respect from me x

    • Jodie Danner
      Posted at 21:31h, 06 May Reply

      Thanks so much, it takes a while getting it right doesn’t it? It doesn’t make us any less a parent, friend, partner. It’s hard not feeling present isn’t it? I’d rather feel a huge sorrow that feel like I’m on the outside looking in. Love to you xx

    • Lucy Heath
      Posted at 21:34h, 06 May Reply

      Certainly does…… A big thing for me was poppy asking when I would be happy again…… That was a proper gut punch…. But yeah, if you know you have problems and are happy to talk I’m pretty sure that you can find the right way again x anytime you want to talk to someone that knows exactly how you feel Im always here x

  • Becky Heyes
    Posted at 20:51h, 06 May Reply

    Love the bravery you have shown in this post xxx

  • Claire Insje
    Posted at 21:06h, 06 May Reply

    Hoping the meds start to help soon and that you start to feel a bit more yourself soon. So many of us here for you and often going through similar, i think you have so much strength to be able to write openly like you do. Sending lots of love for this storm to pass quickly Xx

  • Stella Blackledge
    Posted at 00:10h, 07 May Reply

    https://www.mindful.org/meditation/mindfulness-getting-started/
    If you haven’t already practiced mindfulness meditation, I’d certainly recommend it. A little every day, every little bit helps when you need to find your inner strength and peace again. ❤ xxxx

    • Jodie Danner
      Posted at 07:57h, 07 May Reply

      I’ll give it a go thanks Stella ❤️❤️❤️ xx

  • Jivan
    Posted at 12:50h, 24 May Reply

    This article really touched me. Meditation is of course the ultimate tool which i can recommend you for now. Especially transcendental and mindfulness can help more even if you are taking medications. Practice them regularly and have a look on my article on Linkedin Network relating “Mindfulness activities at work: A new culture of working”
    https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/mindfulness-activities-work-new-culture-working-jivan-shrestha

Post A Comment

CommentLuv badge