10 Jul Gin, Sun & Just Being Mum…
It’s been a while since I wrote a new blog.
Couple of reasons.
My last few were rather sombre and I needed to lift the mood in my life.
I was finding it hard to radiate anything other than sheer misery and unless you suffer with anxiety yourself, it isn’t really going to be your go to lunchtime read.
The other is that my material was limited, my daily routine cut right back to gym, work, kids.
I’ve just come back from a brilliant holiday though that was such a tonic (and several triple gins – boik!)
We went to sunny Benidorm with my Mum & Stepdad. He is a particular fan of Benidorm and its offerings so desperately in need of the warmth of a holiday, we tagged along.
I can honestly say that up until coming home, I totally relaxed.
I don’t mean that I lazed about reading or lied in til noon – as if!
Rather, the aching knot of nerves in my tummy relaxed and I was able to just……..breathe again.
I was so afraid to go having only been able to keep my shit together in recent weeks by routine and familiarity but I am so glad I did.
Being with the girls the whole time was just lovely.
You notice things you may miss in your everyday life.
Just before I went I started a course of intensive CBT.
The gentleman I saw was brilliant. He made sense.
He made me see that I wasn’t afraid of anything other than the feeling of fear and uncertainty.
I’m afraid of feeling afraid.
In some ways that is worse as it’s a huge thing to have a phobia of.
He has sent me away with homework. To write down everything I gave up or lost since my breakdown last month.
I cried as I wrote it:
I handed it all over straight away like I was trying to placate an armed and dangerous burglar.
I gave it all up because I was afraid of feeling afraid whilst doing these things.
What did I think would happen?
Anyway, the only way is up.
I feel refreshed and appreciative since returning and eager to rebuild things.
I returned to the gym this morning and almost saw all of the cake buffet offerings I had feasted on last week so I will need to build my fitness back up too.
Oh and my fringe grew so it isn’t making Niamh cry or want to move out anymore. Bonus!