24 Sep As a Friend…..I Suck
At least I used to I guess…
Since starting school I’ve always kept my circle small.
I had one close friend all through school and that was how I liked it.
I branched out a little in high school but could still count them on one hand.
My friends were the quirks, which I loved.
Besides me with the chronic panic attacks and agoraphobia, my group were the inbetweeners. Not quite popular enough to hang around with the cool people but avoided being bullied narrowly.
To name but a couple, Sarah, the Beatles loving, language inventing eccentric who was gloriously unique and Andrew, who I laughed pretty relentlessly with all through high school clicking so well I thought we would end up marrying.
To avoid such he came out and moved to Australia. Pretty extreme but I can’t blame him.
In keeping a small circle, I always found that I struggled when my friends found other friends. I didn’t want to expand my circle and I found that over time I lost touch with most of my school friends. Sometimes that’s life but I do think that had I made the effort, we would be closer.
As I found mixing hard with ‘groups’, I tend to find myself on the outside as I find it hard to keep to plans.
Coffee one to one? No problem.
Going out with a gang? Anxiety provoking.
Chances are I will cancel and if I don’t I will spend the whole time cringing somewhat and overthinking everything I say.
Feeling inadequate and out of place.
Maybe that’s why I never did the girl’s holiday to Benidorm or the nights around town.
Maybe that’s why I’ve had friends give up on me a little in the past.
I didn’t want a gang. I wanted a friend.
I’ve never wanted it enough to see through plans and events that make me uncomfortable though.
I think this is why, when I found myself distraught with worry after the baby, I felt unable to reach out to old friends.
I didn’t feel like I’d earned their presence in my hour of need.
The times I’d cancelled on them, unable to face it even though deep down I know that once out I’d have probably enjoyed myself.
I’m my time I’ve been a massive let down and I regret this. I didn’t give anything steady for my friendships to anchor on to.
I realised with sadness that I wasn’t anyone’s ‘best friend’. Even friends that I consider MY best friend have best friends! That stings a bit because it’s never me.
I think I’ve long missed the cut off for people looking for new ‘besties’.
To be fair to myself I had my fingers burned this year by being betrayed by someone like a sister to me and it made me question my judgement for a while.
I put the majority of eggs into one basket only for them to turn rotten and her throw them at my head.
Although in place of her I met who I consider to be my best friend.
Sent to me in my hour of need.
Hilarious, bright and one of the best mums I’ve had the privilege to know.
I actually look up to her. She’s confident and a brilliant people person.
Everything I aspire to be when I grow up!
Although she is about ten years younger than me, her maturity makes it only feel five.
Now all is left to do is to get rid of her besties muhahahaha!!!!
Only joking officer.
Your anti-social, miserable bastard blogging friend. (But not bestie)