07 Oct Anxiety Disorder or Chronic Mumming?
So the strangest thing has happened.
I’m not sure if my Doctor is an out and out poo-poo head (I’m inserting a childlike insult here as a Jodie-like one ofter offends) or if he actually knows me better than I know myself.
About two weeks ago I started to feel tired.
Not just Mum-tired. That kind of tired just ticks along nicely at the back of your existence and everyone ignores it, as do we.
I was feeling Deputy Dawg tired. Struggling to keep my eyes open. Heavy……like walking in quicksand.
I couldn’t even summons up the energy to go to the gym, and this is not like me. I find time to exercise as it makes me a better person and easier to live with.
I gave it about a week thinking ‘OK, i’ve been working hard, burning the candle at both ends, exercising, still breastfeeding but I know I don’t feel…..right’.
After a funny turn at work in which I went a bit whooshy I booked in to see the Dr.
Now herein lies the problem.
I have found that with my Doctor – since having depression and particularly PTSD after events with the baby, he does tend to attribute every illness I may have to that.
Be it mastitis, tonsillitis, anaemia, thrush – yep! You’re bringing it on yourself. It is a physical manifestation of depression. Errrr.No.
Obviously I was dubious about going with what seemed like a straightforward case of TAT (‘Tired all the time’ – i’ve seen him write that on my notes before like he is appeasing me by giving my vague case a name) and he didn’t disappoint.
“Why aren’t you taking your Sertraline?”
“Because I don’t feel anxious anymore as such. I still worry about the baby but I know that I can’t medicate that long term”
“But do you not think that these ‘funny turns’ are a symptom of this longstanding general anxiety disorder you have? The tablets will help with that.”
“I was actually wondering if I was just anaemic?”
After some disagreement and some huffing and puffing I was sent for bloods.
When they finally came back it turns out my white blood cells are low and I will need to repeat. This could just mean that I have a virus.
HOWEVER – I then took to Google – the home of all 100% accurate online diagnoses and I concluded that I have Leukaemia or something equally as terrifying.
Even though my best friend then consulted her Doctor to ask her opinion for me and relayed that it is probably just a virus, that reassurance has been doused by this waterfall of health anxiety that has now washed over me.
I was awake all last night thinking of the practicalities of how the kids will be looked after should I die of said terrible disease.
This now begs the question – which came first? Did underlying anxiety make me run down or has the thought of being seriously ill brought on anxiety?
I don’t know whether to hate him or marry him.