24 Apr Confessions
I’ve just been having a little FB chat with a friend about how posting things makes you accountable.
You write them, then they’re out there and you have to act on them.
It’s not the most positive blog I will ever write but you can click on the post or scroll by, looking for more upbeat offerings…..
A good few months ago I wrote a blog about how the ‘Zone’ had become a hostile place for me.
(You can read this HERE)
I had lost a lot of weight and become very controlling over what I eat.
This lead to me looking pretty unhealthy and it just sucked the enjoyment out of my life.
Eating out had always been a joy and as a result, I’d taken that pleasure away from myself.
I had started to panic about social eating and our holiday to Disneyland was not enjoyable in the slightest.
We were surrounded by fast food and there were literally no, what I consider, ‘safe options’.
Well, I have to hold my little bony hands up, I didn’t really improve all that much on that way of living.
I did to one extent because I started a gym challenge and I was now at least eating the right foods.
I wasn’t looking for low fat options and was having porridge, turkey mince, stir fry etc but all too soon my control of this took over and I was eating three very protein rich foods every single day.
This teamed with a very busy schedule – both life and exercise and a new running regime, I ended up very poorly.
I had been taking ibuprofen for a bad case of veruccas and this (plus perhaps the protein overload) had all worn away my stomach lining.
A tooth extraction done a little later wouldn’t heal due to my very low immunity and I have to say this past month or two has been a very dark time in my life.
It has lead to me becoming very depressed again, for the first time in a long time.
Not just sad. Hopeless. Like i’ve lost all control and that someone is missing a dreadful diagnosis with my health.
I thought I’d locked away the black dog but it turns out the little bugger had his own key all along.
I’ve been unable to look after myself or my marriage.
I became so focussed on pain that I couldn’t see past it or remember my life without it.
Friendships have fallen by the wayside. I have probably done too many posts of this ilk and not enough joviality.
I’ve become very insular.
I stand like an old lady.
My skin looks terrible.
My hair is even worse.
I have an eating disorder.
Not one categorised by a ‘ia’ suffix though.
Now I have had to limit my diet further due to my gastric issues so I’m going to have to make friends with my body again and find out what pleases it.
My porridge diet has dropped my weight a further 6lb and I look horrendous for it.
What will fuel my body well that I can swallow without feeling like it is clawing its way out.
So i’m sorry for the maudling, probably seemingly attention seeking very personal blog but this is me.
I’m not just This Mum Business – i’m Jodie.
I’m suffering at the moment and for all I can write these things with ease, I can’t talk about them.
This is my outlet and I needed to document that this is me right now – at this moment in time.
I will look back in 6 months and compare with joy the difference a few chips made to my life but for now i’m holding up my hands and saying i’ve gone too far.