07 Jun Hose pipes, hair traumas and transparent dresses…
“When it gets to the back of your throats and you feel your gag reflex kick in, start to swallow”
Don’t worry, this is more fifty shades of NEY than grey.
Shit. This was an actual nightmare.
I was about to have an endoscopy without sedation (it would seem that no one in the entire medical profession could agree on whether I could breastfeed after conscious sedation or not so I couldn’t risk it).
I’d broken out into a proper sweat since the anaesthetic spray was used and the camera that I thought would be like a fibre optic wire was more like a sodding garden hose.
I wanted my mum.
The feeling was horrendous and I’m ashamed to say I made some real gutteral sounds and cries whilst listening to the consultant taking biopsy clippings from my insides, dribbling drool all down the pillow.
I was very glad when it was all over and very surprised that it was all fine despite months of feeling like my food was still there long after eating.
The relief was immediate and immense.
My anxiety lifted almost straight away and I felt some peace. Knowing me I will be back to counting moles and analysing the colour of my poo in a few days but for now…..hoorah!
As a little treat I had a breastfeeding photo shoot today with Victoria Varnam.
I’ve wanted my own since doing the ones for Breastfeeding Together and Victoria’s images are beautiful.
I was brave and opted for a sheer lace dress and hoped and prayed I wouldn’t look like a joint of beef in it.
Luckily I’d bought new knickers as all my others were older than my kids and were like the one o’ clock club of my wardrobe.
Wrinkly, lacking in elasticity and world weary.
In fact today was the first time since my wedding I had matching underwear on and I was almost hoping to be run over just so I can show off my new Primark duds.
I didn’t look half bad in the dress though despite my German helmet haircut and Esmé looked unbelievably cute in a short romper.
Victoria got some gorgeous cheeky pictures of her on her own too so I’m very excited to go back to view them.
I wish I trundled along the normal line rather than suffered the rollercoaster of anxiety but I’m starting to realise that no matter how convinced I am that the ride will never stop, it always does eventually and I get off it feeling that little bit stronger than before.