Hose pipes, hair traumas and transparent dresses…

“When it gets to the back of your throats and you feel your gag reflex kick in, start to swallow”

Don’t worry, this is more fifty shades of NEY than grey.

Shit. This was an actual nightmare.

I was about to have an endoscopy without sedation (it would seem that no one in the entire medical profession could agree on whether I could breastfeed after conscious sedation or not so I couldn’t risk it).

I’d broken out into a proper sweat since the anaesthetic spray was used and the camera that I thought would be like a fibre optic wire was more like a sodding garden hose.

I wanted my mum.

The feeling was horrendous and I’m ashamed to say I made some real gutteral sounds and cries whilst listening to the consultant taking biopsy clippings from my insides, dribbling drool all down the pillow.

Very undignified.

I was very glad when it was all over and very surprised that it was all fine despite months of feeling like my food was still there long after eating.

The relief was immediate and immense.

My anxiety lifted almost straight away and I felt some peace. Knowing me I will be back to counting moles and analysing the colour of my poo in a few days but for now…..hoorah!

As a little treat I had a breastfeeding photo shoot today with Victoria Varnam.

I’ve wanted my own since doing the ones for Breastfeeding Together and Victoria’s images are beautiful.

I was brave and opted for a sheer lace dress and hoped and prayed I wouldn’t look like a joint of beef in it.

Luckily I’d bought new knickers as all my others were older than my kids and were like the one o’ clock club of my wardrobe.

Wrinkly, lacking in elasticity and world weary.

In fact today was the first time since my wedding I had matching underwear on and I was almost hoping to be run over just so I can show off my new Primark duds.

I didn’t look half bad in the dress though despite my German helmet haircut and EsmΓ© looked unbelievably cute in a short romper.

She played along really well in the shoot until she started to get camera happy and biting and pulling, giving me a painful case of niplash.

Victoria got some gorgeous cheeky pictures of her on her own too so I’m very excited to go back to view them.

Life is on the up again.

I wish I trundled along the normal line rather than suffered the rollercoaster of anxiety but I’m starting to realise that no matter how convinced I am that the ride will never stop, it always does eventually and I get off it feeling that little bit stronger than before.
JD xx

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  • Avatar
    Helen Lou
    Posted at 22:38h, 07 June Reply

    Well done ! I agree it’s one of the most undignified things I’ve done! It’s awful, you did well, I shed a tear or two too and made ‘those noises . They make it sound much easier when they initially talk you through the process….. damn false advertising πŸ˜‚ the only thing in its favour is the results are almost immediate!
    So glad you are OK, and things are looking up for you xxx

    • Avatar
      Jodie Danner
      Posted at 22:39h, 07 June Reply

      Thanks Helen ❀️❀️❀️❀️ xx

  • Avatar
    Ann Davies
    Posted at 22:50h, 07 June Reply

    My hubby had one a few months ago and was extremely proud of the epic burlap he did after the camera was removed. His pride was shattered by the nurse telling him she’d heard it all before. Sure your drool was nothing special πŸ˜‰

    • Avatar
      Jodie Danner
      Posted at 22:52h, 07 June Reply

      Ha ha! It can make you rather windy!!!! Not my favourite experience πŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆ xx

    • Avatar
      Ann Davies
      Posted at 22:53h, 07 June Reply

      Difference between men and women – men love a good public burp πŸ˜‚

    • Avatar
      Jodie Danner
      Posted at 22:54h, 07 June Reply

      Don’t they?!?! It’s like a badge of pride!

  • Avatar
    Ruby Cunliffe
    Posted at 22:51h, 07 June Reply

    You didn’t tell me about the breastfeeding shoot! That dress looks amazing. Can’t wait to see the final pics- I had hoped to get a shoot like that done myself.x

  • Avatar
    Becs Cunliffe
    Posted at 10:59h, 08 June Reply

    I have been there. That horrible sensation of having the hose pipe somewhere it really doesn’t belong…panic and sheer terror kicked in and it felt like it took an hour! Well done for getting through it. And as someone who has suffered with the joys of anxiety for years (and still does) it is really hard, some days are a lot worse than others but keep the focus on those good days and you will eventually get to a day where you are free from the clutches of it. Takes time I’ve been waiting over 25 years now but I’m still optimistic I can be free from it. You will too πŸ’œπŸ’œ stay strong you can do it xx

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